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Alfs 3:59 Wed Jun 24
I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

I copied in a journo that I know at The Sun too. He likes it but not his decision to publish.

Dear Ymu Group,
(Unusual name. Are you Africans?)

My name is David Sullivan and I'm the chairman of West Ham United.

We seem to be in a bit of trouble and that would not be good news for my offshore bank accounts so I'm enquiring whether Ant would be interested in taking over as manager of West Ham Utd.

We'd also be interested if he has any 'mates' who would like to join the coaching staff?

He will be welcome to waterboard or use any other inhumane methods on certain overpaid, lazy, unmotivated individuals (we'll provide him with a list. You might want to warn him that it's quite long).

If he could provide his own tools for any torture he will no doubt need to carry out, we'd be very grateful. Though Karen has had a rummage around and found a fifteen-inch vibrator, which she's happy to donate to the cause.

I'd personally save that for the South Americans who seem to believe West Ham is a jogging club or a postnatal exercise class, but ultimately it would be Ant's decision.

He need not worry about tactics as I've given 'Arry a few quid to do the team talk over Zoom. It even has a whiteboard where he can draw arrows on.

Please let me know if Ant is interested in this offer and if he would be available to take over duties immediately, as we've got a right spanking by Chelsea coming up.

After which will be the perfect time for him to break them down and then rebuild them as men, though he will only have 4 days to do that as we have a tricky away fixture against some Northern people.

One final thing. David Moyes - is there anything Ant can do to rid of us of that, ahem, 'problem'.

I very much look forward to Ant's response.

Kindest Regards,

Dildo Dave x

geoffpikey 8:40 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

More tragic than our actual season.

gank 8:36 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

What the merry FUCK was this supposed to achieve? Reading it back, are you still finding your work amusing? It's fucking SHIT and if you think it's funny there is something seriously wrong with you. Just weird. Not even stupid, just really, really odd.

I won't even go into the fact you have misspelled Brady's name - she fucking writes a column for them, you absolute mong.

Alfs 6:17 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

Well, it made alfs barnet laugh. That's enough for me.

Johnson - I had had a few spliffs, I must admit.

Johnson 12:49 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

I don't know what to make of this.

You must have been absolutely fucking smashed Alfs.

Sven Roeder 12:45 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

Hmmm think your mate at the Sun is being polite to you.
Why not try the Bbc?

Could see you as a writer on Miranda, Citizen Khan or Mrs Browns Boys with this sort of stuff
Just need to replace A Middleton with a fat bird , an Asian or an Irish tranny

Cheezey Bell-End 12:04 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

I'm sure they see this stuff every week, though strangely never the person with the authority to publish.
It's why we have Twitter.

Lee Trundle 11:45 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

Alfie's reply inadvertently made this thread funny.

PeterJ 11:29 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

You think anyone at the sun would consider publishing that? Jesus mate it’s cringe.

goose 9:30 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

I’m confused.

Is this meant to be funny?

Mad Dog 9:30 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

I'd prefer Pippa Middleton over Moyes

Manuel 9:18 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

ALFS - You have to be the most nauseating, boring piece of shit on this forum. I'm convinced you're a wo-man. Well done.

White Pony 9:04 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

Possibly the most unfunny thing I’ve ever read, and I’ve just read the side of a cereal box.

Hallerinthemorning 8:37 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

Define funny please.

alfs barnet 8:35 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

That letter made me cry with laughter. It's so funny, alfs.

Alfs 4:17 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

Wrong Ant, Alfie.

Though that could work too.

Alfie 4:11 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

Alfs -What a dream itd be if him & dec took us on mun -
Coople a fuckin nuccy broon geyordees.

Beeker groove.mun. byker groorve.honest ter goodners gorlie la's n that mun. Proper comical pairing n that mun.

Proper bumming n that for one of em. The love that deer not speak its name mun. Nout bent abbot it mun.enterteenors mun. Nothing leek burrymoor mun. Nee pufta stuff mun.

Alfs 4:00 Wed Jun 24
Re: I've just offered Ant Middleton the West Ham manager's job.

YMU Group is his agent.